You can’t throw a recycled coffee cup in this town without hitting yet another Keep Austin Local independent coffee shop replete with funky makeshift living rooms, normally dirty floors and sticky tables, week-old Austin Chronicles and bulletin boards filled with requests for vegan-only roommates and pleas to adopt adorable two-legged 14-year-old cats with attachment disorders.
Not all coffee shops are like this, of course. Just most of them. (Exceptions include Houndstooth on Lamar—although there will be at least two handlebar mustaches in attendance at the group table—and Monkey Nest on Burnet.) As a hapless freelance writer shuffling from place to place I feel that I’m uniquely qualified to provide an honest perspective concerning the local coffee labyrinth: You can’t beat Starbucks. Yes, heresy in these parts. But true.
The employees—I’m sorry, partners—at Starbucks are almost always smiling and chipper, probably because they have decent health insurance and benefits. Or maybe it’s because they don’t have delusions of grandeur about hitting it big in the film industry after they make this one last latte. The indie baristas typically look at you with reproach as if to say, I’m too good to be making coffee for you self-important soy chai-sipping ingrates. But you better leave some money in that strategically placed tip jar or I will key your car in between the amateur acoustic guitar performance and the poetry slam.
The worst thing, though, even worse than the service is that their coffee doesn’t really taste good. It’s inconsistent, at best. I’ve rarely been disappointed with Starbucks. (Disclaimer: Don’t confuse Starbucks with “Faux-bucks” which can be found in airports and office buildings. Cheap imitations.) And what about the food in some of these places? Starbucks would never think of selling “day-old” pastries. And really when they say “day-old” pastries they mean “two-day-old” because their “same-day” scones are already hard as rocks.
Don’t even get me started on the electrical outlets situation. Let’s face it. Most people come to these places laptop in hand planning to park themselves there for at least several hours while writing novels never to be published. So the proximity to outlets is vital. However in some coffee shops there’s like one outlet with an aging sparking power strip for 30 or so people. (Or they have outlets dangling from the ceiling which seems like a fire code violation). Starbucks, on the other hand, offers many outlets, including the ones conveniently located underneath the bar, which produces an environment of peace and harmony.
Last Christmas I received the Starbucks gold card. You can’t reach a higher level in My Starbucks Rewards than the gold level. I suppose you could compare the gold card to those little punch hole cards they give you at indie places as they both give you a free drink after a certain number of drinks purchased. But half the time I forget to get my card punched because I’m too distracted by the guy in line behind me invading my personal space and audibly sighing so I’ll order my drink quicker. (Seriously. Am I keeping you from something?)
I do have one pet peeve with Starbucks. They can’t spell my name to save their lives. How can Eileen be so hard to spell? Most of the time they either write Ellen or Ilene, which I suppose is some alternate spelling for Eileen imposters. One time a flustered employee just scribbled down IIIN.
But you know what? They can call me anything as long as they make my drinks right and keep those Bountiful Blueberry Muffins fresh.
