I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Austin is hot. I don’t mean “it’s a dry heat” hot, but more of an “oh, god, is that an alien tentacle sliding down my back? Wait, no, just a river of sweat running down my spine. It’s probably even my sweat, though I'm on a crowded patio so I can't be sure" hot.
Despite temperatures outside once more climbing back over 100 degrees, you’re probably seated on a patio, reading this on your phone. For some reason known only to the 7% of the population actually born here, Austin businesses are unofficially required to be the exact opposite of a TARDIS phone booth / time machine from "Doctor Who" -- they’re all bigger on the outside than they are on the inside. Bars, coffee shops, restaurants, pretty much any popular place with public seating will have a small, almost vestigial interior with a vast, gorgeous, expansive patio. Who needs air conditioning when you have a view?
I moved here in winter, which, in Austin, meant I got to stare, gape-jawed, at people swimming in my apartment complex pool in February. Why not? It was 70 degrees outside. Then, the patio culture made a lot of sense. Why hole up inside when the weather was so gloriously beautiful? I’m not being sarcastic. As a lifelong hater of snow, winter in Austin was hands down the most lovely season I’ve had the privilege to experience. Whenever I said so, people indulgently laughed and gave one another knowing looks. Wait until summer.
In June, I experienced my first 108-degree summer day. I nearly burned my hands touching my steering wheel. Whenever I had to leave home, I wanted nothing more than to dash from one air-conditioned building to another before I melted into an extra from Wicked. Yet outside, I could see joggers and bicyclists still going about their daily routines as if it was still a lovely 85-degree April afternoon.
Life in Austin takes place outside. There’s no getting around it. Take food trucks. Local alternatives to fast food are awesome, and every one I’ve tried has had genuinely interesting offerings, but it says something about local culture that people here honestly like to park a few blocks away from their food, walk through 100+ degree heat, then sit on park benches outside to enjoy their dinner.
Hot food. (Photo: annemarlow on Flickr.)
Biking, I can understand. If you live in the denser parts of town, it’s cheaper and easier than owning a car. Even the food trucks make some sense -- if you can tolerate the heat for 10 minutes you can enjoy locally made tastiness for about the same price as a drive-through meal. But patios? Why?
Austin businesses: let’s have a frank talk. You know what summers are like here. Can you please explain why the places set aside for a leisurely evening are all in the unairconditioned outdoors? A lot of bar patios are up to four times the size of the interior.
Is there a secret program in the UT science department where people who’ve lived through two consecutive Austin summers are given bio-implants to self regulate against the heat? Are we secretly prepping a collection of college-age kids for colonization of a planet where the habitable zones are all over 100 degrees and all the animals are toxic? Is there a chemical in Lone Star Beer that makes real Texans impervious to the heat?
As a newcomer, I don’t pretend to understand it. All I can do is hide in the tiny, cramped, rare indoor spaces and patiently wait for things to cool down. You’ll see me on the patios again when temperatures drop back down to the 90’s. Rumor has it that’ll be some time in late September.
[Editor's note: Mmmm, maybe try October.]