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As we all know, the turducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey) has become a holiday favorite. But what of those who shun the stuffing of one animal into another and then eating them? They turn to the tofucken, sadly unaware of the true history of their precious Thanksgiving centerpiece. Be warned readers. The truths unveiled today cannot be unlearned.
First up, the fake turkey. “Tofurkey?” you say? “NO!” say I. Not tofurkey but instead that most beautiful of soy animals, the TOFUNICORN. Yes, it is actually the rump of this lovely and now endangered beast that is used.
Illustration courtesy of PETA labs.
Second, the fake, or “mock,” duck. This canned concoction actually refers to Sai Wing Mock, the leader of the Tong Gang in 1900s New York Chinatown. Hence, pure mock duck is composed of one-third opium and two-thirds cursed wheat gluten, known then as The Great Seitan.
Last, but certainly not least, I must reveal the truth about Quorn. This “fake” chicken, is assuredly VERY MUCH REAL. While it is purported to be made from a fungus growing on a mushroom (what a phony cover story!), my undercover investigation has determined that it’s actually aphid-sized microchickens that feed on the cap-topping fungal delight. [Charlton Heston voice:] “It’s chicken! Quorn is made out of chicken!”
Next week: I pull back the curtain on broccoli. Hint: It ain’t called “brain food” for nothing!