10:15 a.m.
Okay, look, I get that some neighborhoods get stupidly competitive about Halloween, but seriously, there’s no reason for this kind of competition over Cadbury Scare Eggs. I love them as much as the next sugar addict, but I’m not going to drag the kid behind the register into the stock room to get me some more.
10:28 a.m.
That sweaty soccer mom bit me! Luckily, I’ve had my hipster inoculations, so I’m not worried about turning into a pink clad were-blonde.
11:15 a.m.
Aw, man. I’m feeling kinda sweaty and nauseated. If I was a good person I wouldn’t give out any candy this year. It’s a good thing my Mad Scientist costume includes rubber gloves.
11:30 a.m.
Is it just me or does everyone on sixth street smell like Chinese food? I’ve read about stores using the scent of chocolate chip cookies to lure people in. This is so much better.
12:05 p.m.
Look, I have nothing against PDA, but that guy in a Looper costume looks like he’s eating Overly Orange Snooki’s face. Get a room, folks. Maybe you can split one with the Hurricane Sandy and Lady Liberty over there who can’t stop feeding one another some kind of sloppy barbecue. I hate to admit it, but the sauce smells amazing.
1:00 p.m.
It seems like every third person downtown is rubbing their head and moaning. Pace yourselves, folks. I know Halloween only comes once a year, but if you’re already hung over by lunch, you won’t be in any condition to hook up with that Sexy Cookie Monster doing shots of Hypnotiq at your party tonight.
1:30 p.m.
There are two guys passed out drunk at the only table in this Starbucks with an outlet. I tried nudging one of them and he just moaned at me. When I tried to reach around him to plug in my computer, the guy licked my face. Weird and repulsive, sure, but then he gave me a bloodshot glare and spat. I’m not sure which offends me more.
2:15 p.m.
My stomach is killing me. Downtown smells amazing, but every time I walk up to a food cart, I’m hit by a wave of nausea. This is really annoying. My only consolation is that whatever I’ve caught seems to be going around. There are a lot of us with grumbly tummies wandering near the food carts, gagging a bit, then wandering off.
2:50 p.m.
Man, this is embarrassing. I just ran into a guy I met at a Meetup. He offered me a couple aspirin, since apparently I look as bad as I feel. He’s pretty cute. I went in for an awkward hug to thank him for the aspirin and, well, I don’t know what came over me, but I licked his neck. I expected him to bolt - I know I would if he’d done the same thing to me - but he rolled his eyes and asked me to let him in on the big joke. Apparently, I’m the third person who’s licked him since noon.
3:30 p.m.
I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be Psy from Gangnam Style or a hipster in an ill fitting suit. Either way, Sexy Bert and Sexy Ernie just dragged him behind the trash cans. Part of me wants to sneak around to see if there’s a Sexy Grouch hiding back there, too, but my childhood has already been scared enough by those costumes. Based on the noises, it sounds like the Sexy Sesame Street crew are having a disturbingly good time. I should care more, but I’m feeling pretty woozy.
4:15 p.m.
Is that a shirtless bearded jogger in a top hat or Sexy Abraham Lincoln? Either way, he’s running like his pants are on fire. Maybe that’s why he’s only wearing boxer briefs and a healthy sweat.
5:00 p.m.
I haven’t eaten anything since those Scream Eggs at the Wal-Greens. Man. I could really go for a Bloody Mary. Or a bloody steak. Or a bloody cosmo. Really, anything in the red food group would hit the spot. Heck, I’d lick the ketchup off that lady’s fingers if she’d let me. No, lady. Don’t waste it on the napkin. Let me help. Hey, stop hitting me.
5:30 p.m.
Seriously? There’s a police blockade between me and my car. I wonder how many blocks I have to walk out of my way to get around it. This is ridiculous.
6:15 p.m.
Whoa! I know Halloween gets a little rowdy on Sixth Street, but there’s no reason to wave some guns around just to keep drunks corralled. I’ve got an injured woman here, officers. Someone bit off two of her fingers.
6:45 p.m.
Someone with a hearty sense of irony set fire to The Aquarium. Whoa. I can’t blame the cops for taking extreme measures to keep Trick or Treaters out of downtown. I was pretty worried about the lady with the missing fingers. I faded out for a little while there, and when I came to it looked like a dog had taken a few bites out of her. Luckily, a couple of EMT’s dressed like Walter White from Breaking Bad took the injured woman off my hands. I hope the police let her past the barricade.
7:30 p.m.
Sirens make my head hurt. Can’t think straight. If I find the damn things, I’m gonna smash ‘em.
8:00 p.m.
Looks like someone is strangling a fat, bearded guy dressed like Honey Boo Boo. What a stupid costume. I think I’m gonna help.
8:30 p.m.
Must’ve passed out. Feeling better, tho. Bearded Boo Boo’s gone. I’m wearing his tutu. Thought it was pink, but really more red up close. Not so hungry now.
8:45 p.m.
Firehouse Lounge is burning. I wonder if there are any...hey, I’m leaking. I think someone shot me.
